You could see John Kitzhaaber all over the ballot this November.  The 2009 lesiglature authorized “fusion candidates”–who actively seek the nomination of more than one party.  Kitzhaber says he will seek the Independent Party and the union-dominated Working Families Party nominations for Governor.  He already has the Democratic Party nod.  Republican Chris Dudley won’t say if he will try to double or triple-team voters.  The Independent Party is under fire for allegedly selling nominations.

The Army Corps of Engineers says lay off the booze if you’re boating this weekend.  It says drowning is the second-leading cause of accidental deaths.  The Corps suggests you never over-estimate your swimming skills, watch out for colder water this time of year, always wear a life jacket while boating, and be especially careful at the end of your boating day, because  hours of exposure to noise, vibration, sun, glare, and wind produces fatigue in humans that is similar to drunkenness.

Governor Kulongoski says the 560 million dollar budget shortfall for the rest of the biennium confirms his fears that it will be a long climb out of the recession for Oregon.  Kulongoski said he won’t call the Legislature into session to deal with it, because it would likely feature partisan gridlock in an election year.  So he’s directing state agency heads to come up with plans on how to cut nine percent from their budgets for the rest of the biennium–and he’s ordering them to meet with union officials to minimize layoffs of union workers.

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

‘WOW,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘are they all yours?”

‘Yep, they are all mine,’ the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, ‘Sit down Leroy.’ All the children rush to find seats.

‘Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’

‘Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.’

In disbelief, the case worker says, ‘Are you serious? They’re ALL named Leroy?’

Their momma replied, ‘Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ An they all comes a runnin. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.’

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?’

‘Then I call them by their last names.’

A hand-picked panel of the Governor’s says Oregon faces a decade of defecits unless lawmakers do more to control state spending.  The task force says even an economic turnaround won’t help much.  The group analyzed state spending growth and economic activity to come up with its prediction.  Governor Kulongoski responded that the state’s budget problems must be better understood by the public and decision-makers, and that there isn’t just one solution—such as cutting state spending.

It looks like voters will get the chance to turn thumbs up or down on a system of easy-access medical marijuana dispensaries in Oregon.  Marijuana advocates turned in petitions with what they say are 110-thousand signatures to put the issue on the ballot.  The proposal would also create a system of state regulated marijuana growers.  Voters turned down a similar proposal in 2004.  There are about 33-thousand registered medical marijuana smokers in Oregon.

Springfield city councillors have had enough of the crowd that hangs out at three downtown bars.  The council has voted to tell the OLCC not to renew the liquor licenses of the Club 420, Jim’s Landing, and Stables, due to repeated illegal activity that includes drug dealing and usage, prostitution, and assaults.  The owner of Jim’s Landing says his 75-year old landmark is being wrongly targeted.  And the manager of Stables says he’s tried to clean up the area, by renaming his bar the Silver Lace Club, and making it a stripper bar.

If you’re a Duck fan, a free piece of history can be yours this coming Saturday.  Just show up at 5001 Franklin Blvd in Glenwood, between Eugene and Springfield, from noon to 4pm.  Small pieces (up to 2’x2′) of the old Autzen Stadium turf will be given away–free!!  The field was torn up, and the ‘crown’ at mid-field is being removed.  New turf with a new Pac-10 logo should be on the now-flat stadium floor by mid-July.

Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley has joined Chuck Schumer, Olympia Snowe, Barbara Boxer, Christopher Dodd, and new Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown in going after lenders and mortgage brokers who receive hidden payments for steering home buyers to certain loan originators.  Their ammendment to the Wall Street regulation bill would also require that lenders make sure that borrowers have the ability to pay back their loans.  Critics say it was Congress that urged lenders to loosen loan standards in the early 2000’s.

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq … Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a government building is this –you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of politicians …. it creates a hostile work environment.

The Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife is considering whether to make hunters wear orange.  A staff spokesman says there have been 20 hunter deaths in the last 20 years caused by poor visibility–odds that might be improved by making everyone wear orange.  But, he says many hunters don’t like being told what to wear.  More information is at the ODFW website….just Google ODFW.

A lucky Salem man survived a 300-foot dive in his SUV from snowy, icy Highway 20 Near Santiam Pass yesterday.  Troopers say Peter Chamberlain’s GMC Yukon crashed through the guardrail and slid down a ravine the day before his 51st birthday.  Another motorist saw the accident, notified OSP, and got down to him to stabilize him while paramedics were enroute.  He received only non-life threatening injuries, which is a good thing–because Deschutes county rescuers took three hours to get him out of the rig and up to the roadway.

Hollywood Video has hit the ‘erase’ button.  The chain of video and game rental stores is closing.  The parent company says video rental stores are no longer profitable.  Industry analysts say Blockbuster may be next.  Hollywood Video still hopes to emerge from Chapter 11 bankrupcy with a new business model.

The city of Newberg may kill busy beavers that are damming up a creek on the edge of town.  Public works people say the dams have plugged up a culvert, which could erode, and eventually collapse a nearby road.  Some area teens have started a petition drive against the town’s plan to trap the beavers underwater, which would drown them.  The dilemma has been given to the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife.

To all the Parents and Grandparents out there !!!!

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of “tea” which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “Just the cutest thing!”

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?”

THE END (I hear you laughing!)

The State Police Bomb Squad was called to the new Lebanon Justice Center this morning (Tues), to investigate a suspicious package left in a carry bag.  The bag was noticed by an employee arriving for work early this morning.  Police evacuated the building and some of the surrounding area.  The bag was blasted with water to render it safe…it turned out to contain funeral ashes.  Video surveillance shows a woman leaving the bag in the building at about 5:15 PM last night.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!